Update on Things >

An update, because it's been a while.

My heart is full and it's heavy and it's anticipating and waiting and grateful.

This past year plus some months, I have been working at a daycare. It's been my mission field. It's been the place where my love has been poured out, daily. If I'm being honest, it's not what I wanted. I would rather be a thousand other places, a hundred other foreign lands. Instead, I'm five minutes down the road from my house. That's where this season has had me. It went from a part time job to a full time one. I've grown and so has my heart. It's strange because yes, it is my job, I get paid to be with kids all day but it also my heart. Children hungry for love and hungry for Jesus are my heart.

For so much of this time at home, I've been struggling with "okay, what's next, God?" Because I know that I'm not meant to work at a daycare forever, I know the call on my life. I didn't know when I came home from Haiti two Februarys ago, that I'd be home for this long. I might not have come home if I had known.

After so much seeking and asking and praying, I've been led to Austin Bible College, where they have a program for Orphan Care and Management. Who knew? A school that has a program for exactly what I want to do? 

The plan has changed a few times already and I'm sure that's not the last of the changes. But as of now, I am starting classes online in January. I'm going to be completing the Comprehensive Certificate - two years of intensive training in Orphan Care and Management.

I'll still be working at the daycare until at least the end of this school year.
and then, I guess things will happen as they happen, whatever He wills.

(also, I found out about my school from one of my co-workers, so talk about God-ordained!)

Thank you, Lord!

Four Years Later

It's one in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been laying in bed for hours now, my brain active and my heart spilling out emotion into my thought line.

I realized today that it's been four years since I returned home from my first missions trip to Mexico.

It's been four years since my heart was first broken for the orphan.

It's been four years and little three year old Maria who changed my life is now seven, growing into a young girl, no longer a baby.

It's been four years and I look back and marvel at how much God has done since then.

I'm speechless and in awe and baffled by His goodness.

I'm floored by His faithfulness.

Since that first week in Mexico with a sweet brown eyed beauty, my world has completely changed.

I've gotten to step out and see a little bit more of God's world.
I've gotten to put a few pins on the map. 

I fell in love with Mexico. Then I fell in love with Haiti and in love with Africa.

One week in Mexico
turned into
one more week in Mexico
which turned into
one week in Haiti
then
three and half months in Swaziland, Africa
which led to
two months in Haiti
which fostered
one more month in Haiti.


And while I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am called to orphan care, right now, I'm in a difficult season. A season of waiting for God's direction. A season of waiting until He tells me what the next move is.

And it's difficult. It's hard. Frustrating. Trying. Agonizing. Distressing. Awkward, even. It's exhausting. It's annoying.

But can I just tell you that it's good? It's good. This season is good.
As impatient as I am, this season is good. It's good because I look back and I'm reminded of His consistency, His faithfulness.

And I'm given another chance to put all of my trust in Him. Another chance to blindly follow my God.

So, even in this uncertainty and questioning, I'm so sure of one thing.
I'm sure of who my God is.
Good. Faithful. True. My anchor. Steadfast. Real. Alive. Loving. Relentless. Perfect. Unwavering. and All-Knowing.

I look back to my very first, real encounter with God.
And looking back brings me hope and it brings me peace.
Because I didn't know anything then and I don't know anything now.
But I look back over all of the uncertain and doubtful days and I see His hand was holding me all along.
So I know that His hand is holding me still and His hand will do nothing less than lead me along the best pathway for my life, if only I keep my gaze on Jesus and cling to Him tightly.

I don't know, just some heart thoughts at a sleeping hour.
God is so good to me.
Goodnight. 

James Quaid

James Quaid McDown.

This might be long but he deserves nothing less. 

A post about this baby boy should have been written a long time ago.

But now, I finally have the courage to attempt to capture this sweet child and everything he means to me in words. I know I won't even come close to scratching the surface. (I actually started writing this the day before his adoptive parents received their visa appt. date. He'll be home before his second birthday. God is good, SO GOOD.)

I met him the day the Kimball's brought him home to live with them.

He was fast asleep in a navy blue and white checkered outfit.
He was almost lifeless, limp. I got to hold him for a moment. I marveled at his sweet beauty and his eyelashes that are almost endless. In that moment, I was completely unaware of what the future would hold for the two of us.

He had been abandoned. The details of his past, unknown. Nameless. Unhealthy. Unloved.

Except.

I have seen the way our Father's hand has been upon him, always.

Indescribable. 

I have been blessed to be part, a small part of this baby's life. 

As it turned out, I had the honor of nursing this sweet boy back to health and caring for him daily for the next two months. He was nameless for the first portion of our time together, so I sweetly called him baby.

I think we taught each other much about love.

There were times when loving him was easy.
There were times when it was difficult;
I was new to this and caring for a baby who hadn't been shaped and influenced by a loving mother and father was difficult. 

We experienced growing pains, together.
There were days and nights full of crying.
There were days full of hissy fits, temper tantrums.
There was exhaustion and frustration.

But there were days full of smiles and laughter.
There was dancing.
There was sweet lullabies, snuggling, and slumber.
There were hugs and kisses. Sweet baby kisses.

There was a look in his sparkling brown eyes that told me that he loved me every bit as much as I love him. 

I can't even begin to describe the love God has given me for Quaid.

I got to wake up in the morning to him hitting on my closed door until it flung open. He'd run over to my bed and I'd be face to face with the most beautiful boy.

He is the sweetest, most loving child I've ever met. He's a snuggler. He's so lovable.
He's happy. He's incredibly special. I'm not just saying that. He is special. Everybody sees it. It's crazy but there's just something about him that is so special.

I remember the days that I thought I was crazy for and incapable of taking care of a one year old.

I remember the days he thought hitting me was the funniest thing ever.
I remember the days he thought screaming as high as he could, just because he could was the most fun thing in the world.
I remember when he was sick and refused to take his medicine every day and would spit it all over me. And I remember when he refused to eat and would spit out whatever I tried to feed him on me or all over the floor.

But more than those difficult days, I remember the bond that was built between us.

Now, I just want to talk a minute about his adoption.
I won't go into details but before he was a McDown, somebody else was going to adopt him. 
It was not a good situation. Things did not go smoothly. And from the very beginning, I just felt that it wasn't a good fit. I worried and I had such doubts that it would benefit him. I know that adoption is good and some would argue that any life in America would be better than life in an orphanage in Haiti. But I just knew that there was something so much better for him, a family that would he would without question belong to and fit better in. So, throughout the whole time his adoption was being pursued, I continually offered his situation to the Lord. I prayed that if this was meant to be, it would succeed and if God had a better plan, whatever needed to happen would happen.

I remember lying on the tile floor next to his play pen as he napped, praying for him and his future.

And I remember rocking him to sleep at night, singing him to sleep, worshiping our Father.
I would sing three songs, You Are For Me by Kari Jobe,  Worshiping You by Deluge, and How He Loves by David Crowder. After those three songs, I would kiss his face, lay him down, and rub his back and whisper "I love you and Jesus loves you." (And later I got to add "Mommy loves you and Daddy loves you.")

How He Loves, this song gets me every time. I'm listening to it now. And it was so appropriate to sing, holding sweet Quaid in my arms. I'm crying even now as I'm overwhelmed, thinking about how much God loves us. He loves me. He loves Quaid. I'm so grateful that God would let our paths cross. That I got to be the one He used to love His precious son when he was at his most vulnerable.

I'm amazed at how much God loves Quaid. I'm in awe of the way I've truly been able to witness His hand on his little life.

God answered my prayers for him. He let the adoption fall through.

After it was no longer taking place, I worried. I worried about another family finding him. I worried about what would happen if he were to grow up in Haiti without a family.

But I've seen Jeremiah 29:11 ring true for him, God has a hope and a future for Quaid.

Shortly after the end of the pursuit of his adoption, another meeting took place.
His mother met him for the first time. And it's just so crazy how God orchestrated it all was.
 But this family, his mother, father, and three brothers (two American, one Haitian) are an absolutely perfect match. It's evident that they were hand-picked by God.

There are so many details, details that I don't even know but the short of it is, less than a year later, Quaid McDown will be going home to live with his forever family.

That's who my God is. Author of stories so beautiful and powerful as this one.

I could talk about him for days. I didn't even mention the month I got to return to Haiti and love on him so more.

This boy has been such a blessing in my life.

I just wanted to get a little bit of our story out in celebration of his adoption.

Praise God. For his faithfulness. He is good. He is miraculous.

The second time I got to hold him.

Best Buddies.

This says it all.

Photos from February's trip

 Basically, we're best friends.

 Is he not the cutest?

Snuggle bug.

 Silliness.

 I have way too many pictures. So I'll stop there.

Thank you for reading. And thank you to those of you who prayed right alongside me for Quaid. <3

Celebrating James Quaid McDown's adoption and so excited to see what God has in store for this little guy!

Who I was in February.

During the month of February I was privileged to be:

a servant
a helper
a mother
a giver of baths
a nap time lullaby
a changer of diapers
a giver of kisses
a safe place
a friend
a big sister
a giggle companion
a tissue
a hand to hold
a spoon feeder
a band aid placer
a duet partner 
a boo-boo kisser
a playmate
a corrective word
a time-out demander
a light in the dark
a soother of fears
a shoulder to cry on
a truth speaker
a pointer toward the Word of God
a cuddle buddy
a broom sweeper
a bed maker
a dish washer
a comforter
a teacher 

for the sweetest Haitian children I have ever met.


Above all, I was able to be love.

And the amazing part about it, I, alone am none of those things. I don't have strength to fill those roles or be that woman. But by God's sufficient grace and perfect strength, I was able to be a lot of
what those sweet babies needed. And I am so thankful that He chose to use me and supplied my every need.

Little Moments

I've been meaning to blog about Haiti again for a while now.
The thing is, I don't know where to start. But once I start, I know I'll go on and on for ever.
So, you can expect at least a few more posts about my last experience in Haiti.

Today, I'm just going to share a few moments that were my favorite.
The last portion of my trip, I wrote one of my favorite things about each day in the back of my journal.

Here they are:

- Playing the dot game, tic tac toe, and uno for hours with Dana and Josette

- Making Jamesly laugh forever, just by giving him kisses and tickling him.

- Cuddling with China and making her laugh for the first time since she's been home from the hospital.

- Watching Martine interact with the kids, she's incredible. So compassionate, caring, patient, selfless.

-  China coming over to sit on my lap, all on her own. The first time she started to really show love back in response to me.

- Actually? Lou-Lou calling me Papa all day long. It was frustrating at first and I tried to teach her the difference between Mama and Papa. But she knew, she was just being silly and fun. And she sang a song about "Papa Karli."

- Laying in Dana's bed, looking at pictures of her family, laughing and laughing and laughing. 

- Playing Jenga and really getting to spend time with Imensky because he didn't have school. Losing on purpose because he was so serious about the game. Laughing hysterically together.

- Kisses and cuddles with clean babies at bath time. This one is an every day favorite. Oh my goodness.

- Valentines with my Valentines. Getting to talk to them about what love really is and Jesus' love for them, what a blessing and privilege. And giving them red ring pops. :)

- Hearing the kids from downstairs and being able to distinguish between their voices and realizing how much I love them all. (This day I was super sick and didn't go downstairs at all.)

- Quaid's reaction when he saw me coming down the steps, he laughed and blew me kisses. (I was still sick.)

- Claudeson's reaction to me finally being well enough to come back downstairs and be with him. He yelled my name so loud, ran over to me, thew his arms around me. Then he grabbed my hand and dragged me into the other room to announce to all of the other kids that I was finally better.

- Sitting outside with Lou Lou, counting the Uno cards over and over. It always amazes me how long such an activity can hold their attention.

- Jamesly crawling under the gate, retrieving his ball, and crawling back under, his little diapered butt getting stuck along the way.

- Espana, Dana, and Claudeson making me "food" out of dirt, sticks, leaves, stones, and who knows what else. They absolutely loved it and I absolutely loved watching their creativity.

-  Sitting, drawing, spelling with Dana, Modler, Espana, and Josette.

-  Singing Jesus loves me with Bailey in the moon light and looking at our shadows.

- Eating chocolate ice cream with some of my favorite kids in the entire world.



These are just a few of the special and intimate moments I had with these beautiful kids.
I'm so blessed and honored that God would choose me. He picked me to love His crazy amazing kids for that one month. And I do love them.

 Lou Lou, Claudeson, Sherline.

 Josette, Dana, and Lou Lou.

 Dana and Josette. We are His beloved Daughters.

 Modler, Sherline, Lou Lou, and Claudeson.

There's just something.

A journal entry from February 3, 2013

There's just something.
There's just something about the way it's not too hot in the months of January and February.
There's something about the way the faint breeze sways the palm trees.
There's something about sitting on the balcony and watching the street's activity.
There's something about the tiny street shops.
And there's something about the three little girls with newly braided hair and bare feet skipping by.
There's something about the Mama's that walk by.
There's the little boy carrying a red bucket to fill with water.
There's the family of four holding hands and the mom of two carrying one and watching the other closely.
Right now, it's quiet.
Not many motorcycles and few cars.
There's the woman carrying a large basket of fruit on top of her head.
There's the mountains in the distance, whispering of His glory and wonder.
The sky so blue and the clouds sparse and fluffy.
There's the guy listening to music and walking as if he were the best in Haiti.
Two men with a wheel barrow full of who knows, taking turns pushing.
Tap-taps and trucks passing by, some empty, some full past the maximum.
Backpacks, purses, baskets, packages.
Flip-flops, sandals, tennis shoes, boots, heels, and bare feet.
Feet, feet, feet. Feet coming and feet going.
All day long.
Running, skipping, driving, walking.
And I'm left wondering.
Who, what, when where, why?
What is their story?
And there's the distant chatter.
And there's the beauty of flowers in bloom.
There's a thousand bugs.
And there's dust.
And there's a rocky road and piles of gravel.
There's a rickety car, a motorcycle, a nice vehicle,  tinted black windows, a van without a door.
There's the loud beep of a car horn, the car is turning the corner and letting us know.
The breeze that gently lifts strands of my hair.
The sound of others speaking a language that I barely know.
A two year old baby girl with orange and yellow beads in her hair, matching her bright, clean skirt, holding the hand of what must be her mother.
From where I sit, I'm amazed.
I'm amazed by the beauty.
I'm amazed by the routine.
I'm amazed by the fact that the dozens of people that have passed by, are all intimately known by our Creator.
I'm amazed by the fact that He knows their every move, their very names, and every last hair on their heads.
I'm baffled and in awe.
And I'm humbled and I'm blessed to catch even a single glimpse of His masterpiece.

Something Crazy

Okay, I'm going to Haiti in 4 days. FOUR. DAYS.

  

This Thursday, I am going to Haiti to aid the Kimballs in caring for the many many children they have recently welcomed into their home. 

This is the family that I spent two months with this summer. They had 11 new children move in with them, in a new building. And last night they took in ten new babies because of an emergency situation. All of this on top of the kids they were already caring for. 

Too many to count! 

I had been starting to plan a trip for the end of February to be an extra pair of hands and another source of attention and love. But because of this recent addition, I felt like it was necessary for me to be getting on a plane as soon as possible. 

I know that this is all God and it's His perfect timing. I am just so thankful that I am able to say yes, and go as He has called me even with such spontaneity. 

As of right now, I am not at all sure when I will be returning. I am sure that it will be at least one month. I have only a departure ticket and will be purchasing a return ticket when I feel God's leading. 

I feel like this blog is scattered and hurried because that's kind of how I am right now! 

I just know that this is going to be so wonderful, hard, stretching, lovely, beautiful, good, and I know that God's glory is going to be shown. 

I need prayer! I thank you for all of your support in the past and I am asking for your continuation. Prayer for safety. Prayer for the Kimballs. Prayer for the babies, for the children. For financial provision. (This one is huge, as I was not prepared for such a trip as this so soon!)

  

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I cannot express how much your support means to me. 

P.S. I get to see my Haitian-American family so shortly! Eeep! 

To you, little one.

 It's been three months.

That's one month longer than I was with you.

I miss your sparkling brown eyes.
I miss your gorgeous long lashes, softly brushing your cheeks.
I miss your little brown hands running through my short hair.
I miss your tiny brown arms wrapped tightly around my neck.
I miss the sound of your little brown feet pitter-patting down the hall in the morning.
I miss your laugh, one of the best sounds my ears have ever heard.
I miss sticky kisses at breakfast.
I miss afternoon nap time snuggles. 
I miss evening bath time.

I wonder if you miss our lullabies.
I wonder if you still waddle around the house.
I wonder if you still spit out your carrots and refuse to eat them.
I wonder if you still get excited to drink water from your sippy cup. 
I wonder if you have spoken your first words.
I wonder if you still blow kisses like I taught you.

I bet you're still as sweet as ever.
I bet you're loving with all of your little baby heart.

I miss you dearly.
And you know what, sweet baby boy?
I am so thankful that our God let me love you.
I am so thankful that He allowed me to be your 'mommy' for a little while.
Even if you won't remember me for much longer, even if you've already forgotten me.
I am so thankful that He has chosen a special, perfect family just for you.
Just for you because you are His.
He loves you unbelievably and unconditionally.

And I love you much, dear little boy.

Love.

I'm holding baby in my arms and he is softly playing with my hair or patting my arm and his eyelids are fluttering shut and he's almost asleep, I'm singing softly to him or humming lightly, we're rocking back and forth, it's so hot I can barely breathe, sometimes there is a fan easing the heat, sometimes the heat is what makes it so real. I can't help but feel that there is no other place for me in the world. That a small child was always meant to be in my arms, just like that. Like there has never been anything more right in the world. A perfect moment created by our lovely Lord.

I'm sitting on the floor or in a chair.. any daily task and Dana walks by and softly runs her hand through my hair as she passes. It's like my hair was put on my head just for little girls to play with.
I can't even explain how perfect it feels.

I'm reading my bible or a book or writing an email and baby comes over and rests his head on my lap. He stays there for a moment and then he goes back to playing. He just needed a second of love.

I'm feeding him breakfast, lunch, dinner... and in between bites he reaches over and wraps his little arms around me and squeezes. It's maple syrup kisses. It's peanut butter and jelly kisses. It's rice all over the place but I don't even care because it's worth it.

I'm coloring picture after picture with Dana and Josette. And we're discussing what colors should be used for what.

It's the stark contrast between the color of our skin. Even that feels right. It's inexplicable. 

I'm teaching Dana the difference between 'he' and 'she' and she's getting them wrong on purpose and we laugh and laugh like it's the funniest thing that has ever happened.

It's bath time and baby is giggling and trying to drink the bath water.

It's getting ready for church and my girls telling me how beautiful I am. And it's me looking back at them, not even being able to think because they are so gorgeous and their lovely lives are now full of hope because of who our God is. 

I'm playing peek-a-boo over and over again.

I'm cleaning scraped knees and bandaging boo-boos.

It's changing diapers and changing diapers and changing diapers.

I'm kissing cheeks and foreheads and whispering softly the words "Goodnight" and "I love you, Jesus loves you, Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you."

I'm praying for these precious little ones. I'm praying and praying and praying that they will fall in love with Jesus and follow His perfect plan for their lives.

My heart is so full.

I'm going to miss this.

But oh, this is what the rest of my life is going to look like in some way, shape or form.

Love. Love. Love.

So that they might know the love of their beautiful, heavenly Father.

Home Sweet Home

Yes, home.

I'm coming home.

I know that many of you won't understand. I don't fully understand.
I did hear from God about the length of time He wanted me to stay.
But here's the thing. A lot has happened since then.

I know that for this time, I have accomplished what He has wanted.
The past two months have been the absolute hardest two months of my entire life.
Things haven't happened at all the way I expected.
But I was obedient and I was faithful.
I loved the kids that were placed in my life by the very hand of our Lord.
I loved them to the best of my ability.

Now, my season with them is done
And I feel I have nothing left to give.
That's why it's time for me to come home.

By coming home, I'm not failing.
I haven't disappointed God.

This isn't the end of my story with Haiti.
God is not finished.
I know without a doubt that I will be back.
I know that there is so much more left to write.
So many more little ones to love.

But right now, I need to step back and allow God to make the vision and dream clearer.

I'm not giving up on God's plan. I'm not giving up on Haiti.

There is peace in my heart and I know this is right.
If it wasn't time for me to come home, I wouldn't be. And I wouldn't have peace. 
God has taught me so much and He has done so much through me.
I know that He has so much more in store for the future.

So. Home, I come. In one week. 

There are many more details, some of which I will share. But for now, I just want you all to know what is going on.

Thank you for supporting me and thank you for allowing me to follow God's lead and call on my life.

 

Baby boy

It's about time I write a blog post about this baby.

I am breathing a sigh of relief, he just went down for his morning nap. It is quiet, he is sweetly sleeping. 

I don't know that I could possibly write enough to fully capture the joy that he is.

He is a handsome little guy with the most incredible eyelashes I have ever seen. His smile lights up the entire city of Port-Au-Prince. He is happy, so happy. It astounds me, the joy he has within him. Especially considering where he came from.

He was abandoned. He was neglected. He was rejected.
But our Lord Jesus was still holding him in the palm of His hand. Because of who Jesus is this baby has a hope and a future. He is accepted and loved. He may not have earthly parents but he has a magnificent heavenly Father who cares so deeply for him.

Psalm 139:15-18 (NIV)

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

This baby's days were fashioned before he was born. When he was formed in his mother's womb, God knew that his mother would not keep him. He knew and he planned out everything that would happen in this little one's life. He planned for our paths to cross. I have the privilege of being able to care for this sweet boy.

And I am so thankful for that. 

Yes, he can frustrate me to no end. Yes, he cries and throws tantrums and I want to scream. I want to pull out my hair. I want to give up. He's a one year old. He tests me. And sometimes, I want to quit because I am not a mother. Sometimes, I cannot handle this. Sometimes, I break down. Sometimes, I feel like I have failed. But I keep going. I keep loving. I keep saying the word no over and over again, because he needs to learn right from wrong.

 I don't give up because more than anything, I want my sweet little boy to feel loved. I want him to know what love means. I want him to experience it here on earth, so that he might understand the love of the Father. I want him to know that his is loved, so utterly loved. 

And he does. He is learning. He is loving me right back. 
He is my cuddle-bug. He wraps his little brown arms around my neck and squeezes as hard as he possibly can. He gives me sweet little kisses. He runs his small hands through my hair. He rests his head on my shoulder. When I'm rocking him to sleep, he lightly pats my arms or rubs my back. He looks into my eyes and I know that he feels loved. There is a light, a sparkle. I just know. I just know he feels loved and that he loves me back. 

This boy is abounding in joy and love because God has a special plan for his little life. 

I am so unbelievably blessed to be able to share in God's mighty plan. That I would be the one He would choose to use. It leaves me speechless and in awe of our lovely Creator.