Four Years Later

It's one in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been laying in bed for hours now, my brain active and my heart spilling out emotion into my thought line.

I realized today that it's been four years since I returned home from my first missions trip to Mexico.

It's been four years since my heart was first broken for the orphan.

It's been four years and little three year old Maria who changed my life is now seven, growing into a young girl, no longer a baby.

It's been four years and I look back and marvel at how much God has done since then.

I'm speechless and in awe and baffled by His goodness.

I'm floored by His faithfulness.

Since that first week in Mexico with a sweet brown eyed beauty, my world has completely changed.

I've gotten to step out and see a little bit more of God's world.
I've gotten to put a few pins on the map. 

I fell in love with Mexico. Then I fell in love with Haiti and in love with Africa.

One week in Mexico
turned into
one more week in Mexico
which turned into
one week in Haiti
then
three and half months in Swaziland, Africa
which led to
two months in Haiti
which fostered
one more month in Haiti.


And while I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am called to orphan care, right now, I'm in a difficult season. A season of waiting for God's direction. A season of waiting until He tells me what the next move is.

And it's difficult. It's hard. Frustrating. Trying. Agonizing. Distressing. Awkward, even. It's exhausting. It's annoying.

But can I just tell you that it's good? It's good. This season is good.
As impatient as I am, this season is good. It's good because I look back and I'm reminded of His consistency, His faithfulness.

And I'm given another chance to put all of my trust in Him. Another chance to blindly follow my God.

So, even in this uncertainty and questioning, I'm so sure of one thing.
I'm sure of who my God is.
Good. Faithful. True. My anchor. Steadfast. Real. Alive. Loving. Relentless. Perfect. Unwavering. and All-Knowing.

I look back to my very first, real encounter with God.
And looking back brings me hope and it brings me peace.
Because I didn't know anything then and I don't know anything now.
But I look back over all of the uncertain and doubtful days and I see His hand was holding me all along.
So I know that His hand is holding me still and His hand will do nothing less than lead me along the best pathway for my life, if only I keep my gaze on Jesus and cling to Him tightly.

I don't know, just some heart thoughts at a sleeping hour.
God is so good to me.
Goodnight.